so what happened ?
well, following the 3 day run-in at the hospital a couple of weeks ago, the dust settled and things began to look as if we were over the worst. then last week out of the blue all hell broke loose.
not sure how to explain exactly what happened but in effect my head exploded.
throughout a few office based hours on monday my emotions were raging out of control and in the later part of the day, dealing with the day to day concerns of mk1 and mk2 just pushed me right over the edge.
after a particularly intense scary few hours late monday i realised i needed help. fast.
knowing that on mondays they run evening surgeries, i called the doctors.
me : ‘can i see a doctor please, i really need some help’
them : ‘is this an emergency ?’
me : ‘umm .. not sure, it’s more emotional, psychological, and i’m concerned i could hurt my kids ..’
them : ‘well, i can make an appointment for thursday’
so, then i did what people for the last few months have advised me to do, i called macmillans.
to be honest, i know they do a lot of good and are an absolute necessity for people, but i knew there would be little more than words of heartfelt sympathy. i needed help to deal with my out of control emotions, and for someone to take mk1 and mk2 away from ireallylovemusic hq for a few days before i became even more resentful of their need for constant attention.
having now admitted i needed help, i called.
i called again.
as with everything else that has happened in the last 9 months, i was to deal with this whole f*cking thing on my my own.
only solution : i sat motionless in a dark corner of the house, and told the tribe to stay well away.
the rest of the evening was an internal personal hell of pain/anger/desperation the likes of which i have never experienced before, and hope to never do so again.
tuesday was the usual need for kid kaos logisitics and a relatively pain free hospital round trip.
however, upon returning home, my head was still in a bad place, so i decided to try and reach out again.
i called the doctors only to be told that everyone was in a meeting for rest of the day, call back tomorrow.
i called macmillans.
this time i ended up talking to a woman who did indeed provide a welcome listening ear, which probably helped, but as expected, her advise was : ‘go and see your gp’
as it was, i knew that following the feedback from the hospital visit, i could feel the clouds parting, so i decided to hang on in there, and by the end of the week, bh and myself began to feel as if the worst was at last over.
then yesterday during another routine checkup, we were told that because bh had entered into a chemical trial she needed to come in today for the first of 6 injections, one every 3 weeks.
that’s another 18 weeks of hospital/chemical troubles.
not only that, but one of the forward looking hopes was that bh would be able to kick back and enjoy a much needed r-n-r filled christmas where we would be able to start rebuilding both physically and emotionally.
however, we were advised that her ongoing situation in regards to her not enjoying food due to its unpleasant taste, will last a good couple of more months.
later on, the mental knockdown on these 2 nuggets of information kicked in, but then bh explained the real reason for her obvious distress. as i was driving bh to the hospital we stopped on the highstreet where we live to let a friend of our cross the road, and as bh later commented : ‘she looked at me as if i was a leper’.
i think this one momentary glance of shock and horror from a friend set back all the emotional gains that have occured in the last few days. so, thanks for that .. just what we needed.
the battle continues ..
soundtrack : talcum soul volumes 1-6