Monthly Archives: November 2011


so what happened ?

well, following the 3 day run-in at the hospital a couple of weeks ago, the dust settled and things began to look as if we were over the worst. then last week out of the blue all hell broke loose.
not sure how to explain exactly what happened but in effect my head exploded.
throughout a few office based hours on monday my emotions were raging out of control and in the later part of the day, dealing with the day to day concerns of mk1 and mk2 just pushed me right over the edge.
after a particularly intense scary few hours late monday i realised i needed help. fast.
knowing that on mondays they run evening surgeries, i called the doctors.

me : ‘can i see a doctor please, i really need some help’
them : ‘is this an emergency ?’
me : ‘umm .. not sure, it’s more emotional, psychological, and i’m concerned i could hurt my kids ..’
them : ‘well, i can make an appointment for thursday’

so, then i did what people for the last few months have advised me to do, i called macmillans.
to be honest, i know they do a lot of good and are an absolute necessity for people, but i knew there would be little more than words of heartfelt sympathy. i needed help to deal with my out of control emotions, and for someone to take mk1 and mk2 away from ireallylovemusic hq for a few days before i became even more resentful of their need for constant attention.
having now admitted i needed help, i called.
no answer.
i called again.
no answer.

as with everything else that has happened in the last 9 months, i was to deal with this whole f*cking thing on my my own.

only solution : i sat motionless in a dark corner of the house, and told the tribe to stay well away.

the rest of the evening was an internal personal hell of pain/anger/desperation the likes of which i have never experienced before, and hope to never do so again.

tuesday was the usual need for kid kaos logisitics and a relatively pain free hospital round trip.
however, upon returning home, my head was still in a bad place, so i decided to try and reach out again.
i called the doctors only to be told that everyone was in a meeting for rest of the day, call back tomorrow.
i called macmillans.
this time i ended up talking to a woman who did indeed provide a welcome listening ear, which probably helped, but as expected, her advise was : ‘go and see your gp’

as it was, i knew that following the feedback from the hospital visit, i could feel the clouds parting, so i decided to hang on in there, and by the end of the week, bh and myself began to feel as if the worst was at last over.

then yesterday during another routine checkup, we were told that because bh had entered into a chemical trial she needed to come in today for the first of 6 injections, one every 3 weeks.
that’s another 18 weeks of hospital/chemical troubles.
not only that, but one of the forward looking hopes was that bh would be able to kick back and enjoy a much needed r-n-r filled christmas where we would be able to start rebuilding both physically and emotionally.
however, we were advised that her ongoing situation in regards to her not enjoying food due to its unpleasant taste, will last a good couple of more months.

later on, the mental knockdown on these 2 nuggets of information kicked in, but then bh explained the real reason for her obvious distress. as i was driving bh to the hospital we stopped on the highstreet where we live to let a friend of our cross the road, and as bh later commented : ‘she looked at me as if i was a leper’.
i think this one momentary glance of shock and horror from a friend set back all the emotional gains that have occured in the last few days. so, thanks for that .. just what we needed.

the battle continues ..

soundtrack : talcum soul volumes 1-6


17-11-11 : pt2

oh, and one more thing.while this blog was meant to be an under the radar personal rant-n-rave hangout, can i thank all those who left messages of support.
such responses were totally unexpected, but greatly appreciated,


a quick update.

34 minutes after posting the previous shout-at-a-wall rant about the ongoing trials that are being experienced @ ireallylovemusic hq, the chemical induced chaos was raised to a new level.
bh’s body system was clearly not coping and needed some attention.
so, we decided enough was enough time to call the helpline.
the advise was simple : ‘come into the hospital now .. ‘
it being rush hour meant that the normal quick 40 minute journey was somewhat more traumatic, but it felt necessary to face up the fact that bh was in need of some medical attention.
upon arrival, blood samples were taken, and lots of questions asked as various on duty doctors tried to decide whether to admit her or not.
then as luck would have it, her oncologist happened to be on duty and as he walked by the ward he took one look at bh and said :
‘you’re staying here tonight … there is no way you are going home’.
while this meant all manner of fun and games, the reality was i felt relief.
so, after the usual bits and bobs, i left her in the care and attention of people who know how to deal with such matters.
24 hours later and having sorted out the daily chaos in regards to mk1 and mk2, i went back to see how things were going.
the retching had calmed, and fluids had been pumped into her system to my untrained eye she looked a lot better, bored and fed up yes, but at least better.
not only that but the powers that be have decided that she has endured enough chemical overload and so on the assurance that the last 2 weeks of daily drugs would not have that much more of an impact, have cancelled the rest of the treatment.
so, thats as it stands at the moment.
i await the ‘come and get me – now’ text/call.
and at long last the path to recovery can be started.

soundtrack : marilyn manson/linkin park + jay-z/susan christie/kathryn williams/lou rawls


currently life @ ireallylovemusic hq is beyond anything we have experienced since bh was diagnosed with stomach cancer back in april.
since that fateful dawning of what was to come, i never actually thought things could get as bad as this.
despite the fact that bh is in the final stages of the treatment, we are literally counting down the hours of each day.
the problem is that all the drugs, the pills, the back up support systems, the helplines, the caring words, nothing, and i mean nothing can prepare you for the reality of the situation when the love of your life is going through the darkest days of her life.
you start off trying to help and support, but after 5 days of saying ‘just hang on in there, its got to get better’ such statements begin to wear thinner with each convulsion, each rejection of drugs, each agonising cry of discomfort.
leading to the the sheer intensity of the fact that actually, its not getting easier, in fact, things are getting worse, and you have no idea what the f*ck to do about it.
unfortunately, this means that someone somewhere is going to get a foul mouthed outburst at any minute.
i am fully loaded to rip a hole into anyone just out of sheer anger/frustration/depression/futility/impatience/selfishness *
back when the program was spelled out as to the process to cure bh of the cancer, it all felt so abstract.

3 rounds of chemotherapy with each round lasting 3 weeks, to be followed by surgery to remove the stomach, to be followed by a final 3 rounds of chemotherapy (again, each round lasts 3 weeks).

see, when you read that sentence, it doesn’t sound to heavy.
trust me. it is.
being honest, the initial few weeks of the chemotherapy lulled us into a false sense of security.
bh was almost able to continue as she had prior to the diagnosis. just that she no longer needed to work.
her work colleagues visited on a regular basis keeping her connected to the comings and goings and her spirits on the up, leading to the feeling that this all felt quite manageable.
throughout this part of the process i kept on working, picked up more of the housework chores, picked up mk2 from school etc.
then prior to the surgery, we even managed to get away for a few days respite somewhere down in dorset drinking pink champagne in a sun kissed hot tub, while recharging batteries for the next stage of the process, the surgery.

i’ll admit that this was the stage i feared the most.

bh was admitted into hospital the day the country erupted in riots, so listening into hospital staff swapping stories of their experiences while bh and i sat there in silence drenched fear as to what was to come was somewhat surreal.
then without much ado, bh was then taken off on a bed into a big patient lift with the nurse telling me not to worry all would be ok.
i drove home in a daze and waited for the call.
and waited.
and waited.
i paced and paced.
then 7 hours later i got the call from the surgeon : all had gone to plan.
the relief was immense and overwhelming.
for the next week or so, despite the major surgery and the vast number of cables flowing in and out of her body, bh was comfortable, looked after brilliantly, and by all accounts made a swift recovery despite the fact that she was now unable to eat anything.
throughout this period, my emotions were put to one side, as i had no time to think about anything other than what to do re the kids (this was during the never ending summer holidays – adding an extra layer of logistical chaos .. ), and so any time for analysis as to what was going on would have to wait until further down the road.

then after an all too few weeks of recovery, we got summoned by the powers that be as they wanted to crack on with the chemotherapy.
this felt too much too soon. surely she should be given more time to get over the surgery ?
after all, bh can no longer eat anything of substance, so was losing body mass by the hour, leading to the concern that the radical blasting chemicals would be too intense for her delicate state.
we were assured that in regards to cancer treatment, there is a 6 week window of opportunity post surgery. so time was of the essence. oh, and that bh looked perfectly well enough to cope with the final stages.

stage 1 went ok(ish)
stage 2 went
stage 3 is currently hell.

following a heated phone call about an administrative cock up that would have resulted in the final stage being indefinitely delayed, i took bh in for her 8 hour infusion session last thursday.
this has since been followed by 5 days no food. no sleep. bh is in constant physical discomfort, trying to drink fortified liquids to keep the body going ends up with her convulsing.
taking the plethora of drugs becomes intolerable.
i cannot help. i cannot do anything to speed up time. i have to just sit there while she is literally breaking down into pieces in front of my eyes.
i think its safe to say i’m beginning to flag both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
so much so that on friday/saturday i had acute chest pains leading me to become concerned that i too was physically broken.
thankfully, my pain turned out to be tietzes syndrome, and amazingly not stress related, but such a situation would not be beyond expectations given the circumstances.
all i needed was ibuprofen during the day, and red wine in the evening.

which brings me to today.
following yet another sleepless night, bh and i decided enough was enough.
we called the helpline and explained what was happening.
‘call your gp’ was the advise. despite the suspicion that this would result in the usual phone call runaround when you try and book an appointment with your local doctor, this was done with relative ease..
the result : one injection, and more drugs.

amazingly, several hours later and there are signs of a calming of the storm.

if i were a religious man i would get down on my knees and pray to a greater power that this is at last the beginning of the end of this whole process for bh, as i genuinely don’t think she will be able to take much more of this, but, i’m not, so instead i’ll resort to ranting on a blog. which is in all probability, the modern equivalent ?

[* delete as applicable. oh hang on, they all are.]


feels weird.
for the first time in a long long long time i chased down an artists pr gang asking for a copy of the artists latest album.
[i had no idea he had a new album out – i dropped the stuff i have on the playlist this morning and realised i needed to catch up and find out more, only to find out that there is a new album on the racks !]
not only that, but the pr has supposedly dropped a cd in the post with ireallylovemusic hq being the supposed destination.
however, as anyone who has run a music based blog, the uk postal service does become a bit of a bermuda triangle when it comes to the ones you really want to turn up.
damn, its like 2005 all over again.
what’s even stranger, is that i genuinely cannot wait to hear the new material.
obviously, the artist in question will be revealed over on the ireallylovemusic blog, but it did make me crave for a time when such things were more common.
i usd to love the chase and the postal treats,
whereas in 2011 the number of artists making new music that i am actively interested in has dwindled to a mere handful, and most of the stuff is then available to download immediately and listen to, as opposed to adding a layer of anticipation into the mix.
now, one of the main reasons this has not happened for a long time is due to a change in my listening demands, and the current sonic/production tricks that permeate throughout modern productions.
i’m not going to name names, but i do throw a lot of blame at the obessive love that flying lotus gets.
that squelchy processed shit does absolutely nothing for my head, meaning i am currently locked out on loving a lot of electronic/loops based music as that stuff is embedded within the current mindset of studio boffins.
so, todays little treat has put a smile on my face.
and thats has not happened too often this year.