as the dust has settled i should update this online corner of joy with the latest situation.
after a few quiet days last week, bh and myself were due to see the oncologist on friday.
due to the phone call earlier when the oncologist summoned bh to hospital for the blood transfusion i already knew what was going to be said at the meeting as i had already asked the question regarding the results of the ct scan.
however, there was no way i could tell bh the full story, so perhaps unwisely i had kept the full details to myself, meaning for 10 days i was carrying around more knowledge as to the situation than i think was probably good for me.
basically, the ct scan confirmed that the growths in her lymph nodes had become worse, and more widespread, thereby confirming the cancer is aggressive and on the attack.
not only that but there are concerns as to just how and why her spleen ruptured given that at the time it happened bh was not doing anything physically exerting, and of course there are concerns as to the ongoing problems with the blood clots meaning that as she is no longer on the blood thinning injections makes the concerns all that more worrying.
[if you remember, the reason for her no longer taking the daily injections is because they believe that when she ruptured her spleen the blood didn't clot as it would have normally making the outcome more serious, so taking her off the medication is supposedly a case of lesser of two evils .. ]
when all of this was explained to bh, the impact was pretty heavy to say the least. as the oncologist said :
‘sorry, but there really is no upside to any of this .. ‘
and there it was. the full story hanging in the air.
for several minutes (trust me, it felt a lot lot longer) neither of us said anything. nothing.
on one hand i felt a void of emotion, whereas on the other, i can’t deny a sense of relief came over me, as i no longer had to deal with the intensity on my own.
since the meeting, life has been quieter and relatively calm, albeit with moments of intense despair.
however, i do wonder if the dream i had the other night was part of the beginning of my acceptance of the situation.