words cannot begin to describe the heaviness of the last couple of days.

however today hit a new level of darkness.

morphine induced chaos leading to doctors advising me earlier today that bh is heading towards the exit sign and that i should get the boys to see her one last time.
so, i head home, get the boys (a logistical issue in itself), get back to the hospice, to find bh totally sparked out.
which to be honest is a lot easier to deal with than the full on delirium that i have witnessed in the last few days.
then after 30 or so minutes, she stirs.
opens her eyes, looks towards the boys, the fog clears a little and she totally cracks up.
tears, the works.
‘why oh why did you bring them .. ‘
i had prepped the boys for heaviness, but not this.
full on trauma, and not the way i want them to remember her.
so i send the boys out of the room.
after a few more minutes, she calms.
calms a lot.
i feed her some fruit salad, and even begins to talk.
not hallucinating madness, but normal chat.
i ask if i can bring the boys back in, she smiles and is very keen to see them.
so in the end they got 20 minutes of her in a far more lucid manner than she has been for days.

i suspect that now they have changed the drug from morphine to a non-opiate based drug that she will pick up now, and be a lot more clear headed .. thereby negating the doomsday scenario that the doctors predicted earlier (they said that the hallucinations/madness were not drug related and so an indication that it was the end game kicking in).

so much going round my head its not true.

the good things :

hospice is excellent
the level of care is superb
the environment is gorgeous
the boys got to see her in a good way despite everything

the bad things :

the delirium/body shakes/violent spasms – heart breaking in the extreme
the lack of recognition when your life partner of the last 23 years looks straight through you
more days like today – not sure how much more i can take
the boys are now up to speed of the chaos, and looked totally bomb shelled
the sheer logistical chaos of everything
no idea as to just whats going to happen next, nor when
the emotional destruction on an hourly basis
ongoing life in total limbo.

fuck cancer.


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